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I was, perhaps, mature beyond my years, and wanted to have a companion with whom I could experience life.By middle school and high school, the one-way nature of this courtship had become something of a pattern: I would become infatuated with a classmate, quietly pining for her attention and affection, only to be turned away when I finally made a move.As a freshman, I lacked the skills – and the status, perhaps – to attract a suitable mate, and old patterns of pursuit and disappointment resurfaced.Sophomore year came around, and before classes even officially began, I met Samantha (name changed for privacy) – an incoming freshman who, in many ways, was my female counterpart.The sun rose and set on Samantha, and she immediately became a massive part of my life.

It’s important to note that up until that time, I’d been told by everyone I encountered that “love will find you when you least expect it,” or “it comes when you stop looking.” Easier said than done.Over time, this, combined with ailing academic performance and an overall lack of friends, compounded into years of depression and self-hatred.In college, I found myself again in a position of powerlessness.In pursuing a mate, however, I had come to believe that the opposite was true.The more effort I made, the further and further away love seemed to drift.

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